Dear God...
“He felt as though he were failing in practically every area of his life. Lately, happiness seemed as distant and unattainable to him as space travel. He hadn't always felt this way. There had been a long period of time during which he remembered being very happy. But things change. People change. Change was one of the inevitable laws of nature, exacting its toll on people's lives. Mistakes are made, regrets form, and all that was left were repercussions that made something as simple as rising from the bed seem almost laborious." - Nicholas Sparks
Usually on nights like tonight I drink. It's typically only the intent to have one, maybe two. But before I know it I am waking up 2 hours after I had passed out to my alarm clock and more than two empty cans. Before questions start going crazy, I don't have a drinking problem. I have a problem handling my problems. And to be honest its not one particular problem over the other that is more difficult. They are all just so damn hard and confusing. It's funny too, because all day long I solve everyone else's problems. I hear it, I problem solve, and I put in a plan of action to fix it. Then life hits me like a ton of bricks (all at once I might add) and it's like my steps of problem solving is nonexistent. So my point, is that tonight I am deciding to do better. Mostly because I want to be better (as we all should). So I just got a bottle of water and sat down to write this shit out. I hope you guys don't mind my emotional post today!
Tonight is rough. Pshht who am I kidding, this entire summer has been rough. Rough doesn't mean bad. Just so many damn hills to climb and then huge hills to slide down. And to be honest with all of you, I hit every damn rock there was. Lately I just have been feeling like I don't have the strength. There is so much to do, so much responsibility and so many people counting on me to wake up the next day and do what I do best. But what happens when you don't wake up feeling your best? What happens when your struggle bus just keeps hitting every detour and doesn't stop to let you off? Gosh I wish there was an emergency pull on life that we can pull when we need life and the world we live in to just stop for a second.
I am struggling with so many different things that somehow they all became one. One big explosion of just everything. So what do you peel apart first? I see it kind of like an onion. Peeling back layer after layer, shedding some tears (my old job told me chewing gum helps with cutting onions...it never worked for me) until you finally get to the center. You finally reach the middle of it all. Then what? how do you recover from each layer that you just peeled off? I am not even sure if you guys are following me still at this point. I'm sorry!
Before I jumped on my computer I took a couple seconds to just pause. I chose to pause my life. Just for a split second. I needed to think, I needed to allow myself the feelings that I am allowed to feel. I needed to breath. Then I prayed. Long and hard. Because I need some help on this one. I have come so far, too far to turn back. Too far to just sit down and refuse to stand back up. So I need a little strength to pull me out of this rut so that I can finish for me. So that I can accomplish these goals that I set out for myself and make new ones. I asked God to just guide me and sit by me on this one. Let me make my mistakes, I still need and want to learn, but just give me a nudge every now and then to remind me what path to stay on. My emotions and thoughts have been getting in the way of my life lately and I know its okay to feel, but not when it throws everything off balance. I am worth moving forward. I am worth the effort and hard work of finishing strong. I owe it to myself. And honestly, no one is going to help me get there but me. So as long as I continue to take a little step forward I know I'll be okay. And that goes for everything. For my happiness, for my self-worth, my confidence, my ability to trust, my ability to feel and move forward, my sanity.
I don't ask for much, from anyone. I hate depending on people and I like to do things myself because one too many times I have had people hold their support over my head. I know I can do this. I know that I can do it alone. But is it too much to ask for someone to do it with? Someone to be just as driven, and focused and determined? Someone that knows the worth, the trust, the confidence, the ability to move forward... Someone that also leans on God every now and then because they too need help. And asking for help is okay.
