Authenticity

What a breath of fresh air to be back writing again. I can't even tell you how hectic and chaotic life has been getting. The funny part is that I was about to consume my entire first post back with complaints and venting sessions on stress and chaos and how hard it is to push through it. But honestly, I allowed it all to become an excuse. 

Reading my daybooks this morning today was all about being the real you. Exercising who you are and daring yourself to reach your authentic self and working hard to not let it go. The past month, or two.. time has just slipped by me that I don't even remember the last time I was in my routine.. but, for these times that I have been "distracted", I have experienced many different emotions. One's that I knew were there but became heightened and others that I had no idea were going to surface. I became scared. Scared to express how I was feeling because I didn't even understand the emotion or feeling myself. I remember on multiple different occasions talking to those close to me about how "I'm crazy". And I am laughing right now while I write those two words. I am not lying when I tell you guys that I literally lost my mind. But why? 

For first time readers..1.Welcome :) and 2. I am a stubborn and strong-willed woman. I know what I need, what I want (sometimes) and I have goals and dreams that I will accomplish with or without the help of someone else. I have my routine and schedules that I live by. I live and breathe with my planner (I go nuts without it and if its not color coded).

So when you bring change to me I will tell you I can handle it. I will show you I can handle it. It will look like I am doing just fine until one day I snap and lose it. Now I say snap and lose it loosely. I am talking about crying for no apparent reason. Being in a mood for 2-3 days consistently. Not following my routine, not looking at my planner and even worse not using my planner! All the things that I hold so close to my heart I begin to turn away from. There has been a lot of change going on in my life. Some great things, some mediocre things, but nonetheless it was change. Change all at once. So I allowed my brain to get caught up in it all. I began to shift my focus to the things that I can't control, to things that I couldn't fix right in that moment. I shifted my energy to things that could wait and probably would have turned out better if I had waited and given it some time. I put all my energy into fixing things that were out of my control, that I put the things that were in my control on the back burner. I forgot about myself. 

I know that I am not the only one that this happens to. I provide therapy to those that have lost their ways in routine and schedule and are so indulged in the chaos of their lives that they need help getting out. But as we also know from my posts and knowing me, I am not good at taking my own advice (insert eye roll here). When my clients come to me and tell me that they are stressed and feel so stuck in just the chaos of their lives and ask me how I deal with everything in mine, I smile.

I am no different than anyone else. I am a 27 year old female (will be 28 in just 3 short months!) that loves to eat junk food and anything that is made with chocolate. I would love to just go out every night and dance my life away on a dance floor, by myself! I wish I had the time and money to travel the world and see everything that I love and pin on Pinterest. I am a full time Graduate student. I have a full time job that I love as well as a part-time job that I love. I have my boyfriend's amazing son every other weekend and I have a dog that keeps this dog mom busy! Just because I have my schedule jammed pack and it looks like I am sane doesn't mean that I am not too freaking out in my chaos. 

What I tell them and what I will tell all of you is this, first breath. Take a few deep, deep, deep breaths and just let it out slowly. Because everything is going to be okay. And the chaos and craziness doesn't last forever, it just seems like it does because your caught up in it. Secondly is that you're not alone. Everyone holds stress and chaos differently, but just because you don't see them freaking out doesn't mean that they aren't. And lastly but more importantly, take a minute to just look at yourself in the mirror. Take a minute and go for a walk or a drive. Sit in a parking lot overlooking beautiful scenery. Once you're there, remind yourself of who you are. What you like, what you dislike, what you have in your life for positives and please, please, please don't forget to remind yourself of things you still want to work on. Bring up all the goals and plans that you have going on that you are working towards. Lastly, forgive yourself. Tell yourself that it is okay to break down. It is okay to need a break from the chaos. Again, everyone's chaos is and looks different. 

This is important for so many reasons. But the biggest is because in order to come to terms with your authentic self, you need to see yourself at the best and the worst. If we just enjoyed and celebrated our successes, we would never be able to learn from our failures. If we only shared our up's we would never know how to climb out of our down's and become a better version of ourselves. Don't forget who you are, in the good and the bad. You are the only person that will be able to get yourself out of the chaos, out of the excuses, out of the rut and back to being the true you. 

The authentic you.