Fear

After having a conversation with someone a couple nights ago, something sparked my brain to start spinning about this four letter word. Something that I don't believe I've ever really gone into great detail about it. Just a heads up, this post is going to be very vulnerable and honest. I hope that is something that you can all appreciate.

When I think back to the amount of times that I have been scared of something in my life, I get overwhelmed. I remember being scared of meeting new people when I entered into a new school. Although I didn't have much of a choice, It scared the shit out of me. Not knowing if they would like me or want to hang out with me. Not knowing if I would ever be accepted. I remember being scared to move to CT. I left the middle of my senior year of high school. This time it was my choice. In the moment, it was very impulsive and extremely a last minute, very emotional filled, decision. But I did it. I remember being scared to fall in love for the first time with my high school boyfriend. One of the first people I met when I moved to CT. The thought of falling in love and graduating high school all at once was scary. I didn't know what was coming and I had no idea what to expect. I remember being scared to go to college. It was a different kind of fear. More excitement filled than any other time but I was alone. Living on my own, figuring out life on my own. Or so I thought that was life at the time (lol I was so far from understanding what life really was). I remember going through millions of things throughout college that scared me (some are posts for another day). I remember graduating, moving in with my boyfriend at the time, and then breaking up with my boyfriend at the time. Scary, scary, and scary. More recently I remember entering into a situation that tossed my entire world upside down. And I thought I knew what scary was before. HA!

Throughout my entire life, I feel like I have been scared. I haven't really had a moment of calmness and safety. And even when I think back to the moments where I thought that I had it, it was ruined. It was a lie. Or it just ... was fake. So what happened? What did I do in those moments of pure fear? I kept going.

My fears in the past had a lot to do with my history. My past, my bring up, my drive to just be better and do better for myself. It pushed me. And it helped that I had gone right to college, and I had a path and a plan. It got harder when I graduated college. Once you walk across that stage, there is no one at the bottom of those stairs waiting to hold your hand and walk you to the next step in your life. There isn't an academic adviser that can walk you through whats next. No guidance counselor or life coach to guide you along. You. Are. On. Your. Own. SCARY!

So I graduated. Little things happened here and there. But the next big thing was that I got into a relationship and started my first real big girl job. I'd be lying to you if I told you I wasn't happy. I was head over heals for the man that I had moved in with. I was on a path in my life that I chose for myself. That I wanted and worked so damn hard for. I had an amazing group of friends and social group that I could count on and lean on. All in one day, it all came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. My relationship was falling apart at my fingertips and I was just too angry and sad and hurt to know what to do about it. I thought that this was the rest of my life. I thought that I got lucky to figure this shit out the first real true time around. How terribly wrong I was. I remember being scared. Scared to kick my boyfriend at the time out of the apartment. Scared to take on all of the responsibility. Scared to be alone. Scared to be alone and hurt. I locked myself in that apartment. I leaned on every single person in my life for support because I was so sure that I wasn't going to make it out of this one. I was used to being forced into chaos. Whether it was from growing up in chaos or having a chaotic family and having no choice but to deal with it. But this time, this path was my choice. I picked it all on my own. And it went so wrong. My words this evening will never do justice to the fear that took over my entire life.

So as we know because I am still here today, my life went on. It was hard. It was tiring and it hurt like hell. But I came out stronger because of it. I decided to focus mostly on my career. Figure out what I really wanted to do, put more energy into the Masters program that I had started and just focus on me. --- I am literally chuckling and smiling right now while writing this because those who know me know that, Ashley Hickey not thinking or wanting a relationship is a joke. I am a relationship type of person. Not that I feel I need someone else, it is just something that I want. A family. A true, happy, big family of my own. One that I can say I chose and was successful.

So I got stuck in this terrible whirlwind after my ex-boyfriend moved out. Leaned on going out. Spending time with friends just passing by the time and trying to enjoy my new single life. Taking the pup for walks and hikes and just trying to be happy. That didn't end all too well either. I got into a car accident, was put on academic suspension from my masters program, began to start a new "relationship" to find out that I was lied to for most of it and I completely lost who I was. Fear has literally run my entire life for the last few years. Scared to walk away, scared to stay, scared to start over, scared to fail, scared to succeed, scared to ask for help, scared to be right, scared to be wrong. I AM SCARED.

To all those reading this right now, I am scared that I have lost sight of who I am anymore. and not because of anyone else. But because of the choices that I have made in my life.

However, as much as I am scared. I am proud. I am strong. I am wise way beyond my years. And I am ready. Fear may have led me down some paths that were so off track. Paths that I had no business down, and paths that were trying to steer me in the wrong direction. But if I had allowed fear to stop be from doing. Stopped me from walking forward and putting one foot in front of the other, I would not be where I am today. If I had allowed fear to ruin my life and keep me locked inside I wouldn't have been able to experience all of the life that I have had the opportunity to. I have felt love, so deeply and true. I have felt abandonment, neglect, anger, happiness, guilt, jealousy, depression, hope, appreciation, trust, patience, confidence all because of fear.

I say all of this to say that if you allow fear to win. If you allow being scared to steer you away from making decisions that you want to make. Allow it to stop you from walking down a path that you want to walk down. You will never grow. You will never be able to find yourself. And you will live a life full of fear and what-if's. It is so comforting to know that although I have been scared, although I am currently scared, I know that I won't allow it to stop me from moving forward. And that as long as I am moving forward, I know that I will be okay.