Strength

I sat down in the theatre recliner tonight thinking that I finally had the opportunity to sit back, enjoy a frozen margarita and watch a movie. The opportunity to forget my world that was falling apart outside those movie theatre doors. The opportunity to shut my phone off for a little under 2 hours and just enjoy the feeling of not seeing, feeling or hearing it go off. If only I knew none of that would actually happen, I probably would have rethought the whole idea of going. 

Tonight I went out on a girls date night with one of my best friends. I needed to get away, set myself away from society and all the emotions that had been flooding my body all day. We decided on dinner and a movie. Dinner was amazing, Sam Adams cherry wheat is one of my all time favorites. And to top it off, the movie theatre we decided to go to sold alcohol... who knew! A frozen margarita never tasted so amazing in my life! The movie we watched was Glass Castle. The part that always gets me about these movies, is when that credit comes up on the screen stating "based on a true story". It was at that moment I knew that I had no control over my emotions. That at some point during this movie, they were just going to explode. The only problem was, I had no idea which emotion was stronger, no idea which emotion would present itself first, no idea which emotion I was going to have to find the strength for. 

Some of you may have seen the trailer for this movie, if you haven't I suggest that you do. The movie was about 4 siblings that learned to grow up quick at a young age. Learned to mature, survive, and take care of each other due to the fact that their parents were incapable of doing so. Father was an alcoholic and couldn't care for them, and the mother was an enabler that wanted to just keep the peace with their father. My eyes began to tear up when the oldest took on responsibility for the younger ones. It was as if my life became a movie. The movie carried on, it was sad, so so sad, and emotional and tears were coming down like a water fall. But if you had to ask me what the one part of the movie was, that really got my mind spinning, that really turned on a light bulb and hit so close to home...I'd have to tell you that it was the ending. 

I don't want to spoil it for you, so I'll put it into perspective using my life as the example. When you are pushed to grow up quick, to mature at a young age, and forced to witness things that you should never have to be exposed to, something happens to you. Something within you immediately separates you from everyone else. It almost pulls you in a different direction, puts you on a different path in life. Gives you this amazing strength to carry on..... and that is the word I want to talk about tonight. Strength. 

What is it? Strength. This 8 letter word that holds so much God damn meaning. An 8 letter word that is so powerful it could make or break you. An 8 letter word that makes you question who you are and who you have in your circle (if anyone at all). Have you ever asked yourself if you are strong? If you are a strong individual that fights, that doesn't give up, that always puts that one extra bit of effort into things hoping that it'll work out just one more time? I have. I continue to every day. Grad school, First job and second, An apartment and responsibilities, a dog, bills, family, friends and relationships. All push me, beg me, ask me to be strong. But tonight? I feel tired. Tired of always being so strong. Tired of always having to be the one to find reason and understanding. The strong are allowed to be weak.The strong are allowed to make mistakes, to trip up, to fall back and not take on responsibility. The strong are allowed to be tired of being strong. So what do I do? What separates me from everyone else? I don't give myself time to be weak, a mistake... maybe, But I always learn from them. Fall? 100 times over again, but I get right back up. Its the relationship and families that get to me, but that'll be another post for another day. 

My ending point in all the rambling is that there is strength in each and every one of us. It is up to us to find out where it is, Why its there and how strong that strength really is. Is it enough? And what is too much for you? Do you know your limits, do you know at what point you have to call quits? Or are you like me, a strong independent woman that would take the entire world on her back if she knew it meant that not a single soul out there had to worry, had to feel pain, had to feel heartache. 

Strength, I have it for me, for you, for them. But who is going to be strong for me? Who is going to give me my time to be weak and vulnerable and allow me to break down? 

Or is that just it..Needing to be this strong, means that I am strong for everyone including myself.