Catch up.

I've been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to think of some motivational opening to start this blog. Truth is, I have no idea what exactly it is I want to say. So, I am going to play catch up a little bit since the last time I blogged was months ago.

Life has a very funny way of working itself out.. if you let it. I am still in school, still struggling with school, but I haven't given up. I have been accepted into a Teach For America program for 2018. Meaning I will have a MA in Forensic Psych and MA in Education by 2020. Sounds good right? ... Funny thing is that, that doesn't sound exciting to me. I am over the moon excited for the experiences that I am about to walk through within the next few years. But do you want to know what I am really excited about? Walking into an institution or a locked facility that's a home for adolescents or adults that need help due to a mental illness, me being that help. Bringing education to the lives of individuals that weren't able to obtain it. Yeah I know, people are going to bite back and tell me that unfortunately those individuals that committed a crime gave up their right to an education... They made the decision to break the law instead of go to school... They didn't appreciate their freedom when they had it. I get it. And some, maybe the majority didn't. But as a human being, I am not here to judge their mistakes. I am not here to patronize them or make them feel smaller than some probably already do... I bring this up because Teach for America was a long shot for me. Well it felt like one anyways. The application process was nerve racking and the qualifications that I needed, I didn't really have. I was 1.0 points away from a 3.0 GPA for my undergrad. The individuals sitting with me in that group interview were well at 4.0. Accepted and ready to graduate from Yale and Harvard. Trying to prepare myself for this long day of an interview and I began to judge myself. I began to ask myself if I really deserved this. I could've tried harder in school. I could've applied myself more, been more consistent and partied less... However, leaving that interview, Feeling the rush of adrenaline and realizing that I only had me to celebrate with in that moment.... THAT was when I realized I was on the right path. THAT was when I realized that everyone grows up different. We all make different mistakes, we all learn in our own ways, and just because we made a mistake, just because we have a road block (like my GPA) doesn't make us any less qualified to still reach our goals. I can't wait to see the progress in those that have lived their lives in struggle and pain. Because they will succeed.

The last big thing to catch up on is love. I know I write and talk a lot about love and relationships and communication. But over the last few months I have made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of valuable lessons that are just too good not to share. Ladies and gentlemen, please listen, You are not able to give or share love to another human being until you first are in love with yourself. That goes for you and it goes for recognizing it in another person. I have a huge heart. Pieces of it in which I leave in different places, with different people. I get in trouble when I try and give it all away thinking that the person I am giving it to will cherish it and hold it close and not let it break. This is a mistake I've made in the past. One I obviously hadn't learned from. But that was because this time was different. This situation was different. Have any of you been alone? actually truly been alone? Came home to no one, Woke up to no one? Spent a weekend being lazy with nothing to do with no one? Cleaning and organizing with no one? Watching a movie and cooking dinner with no one? .... It's weird. Especially after living with someone. The first few months I craved for that ... company. It's like I yearned for someone to just be sitting on my couch when I walked through the door. I begged to just have someone lay next to me while I sleep. Someone to just sit in the kitchen with me while I cook, or even begin to make the salad while I cook the pasta. Someone to sing with me while I clean or sit in the bathroom with me while I take a shower and have a conversation. It's crazy how much it hurt when I asked for those things and I never got them. Something so small to everyone else was so incredibly big for me. I began to get mad. Fights, arguments, tears and nightmares even. Thinking that I just might not be good enough for any of that anymore. It wasn't until recently that I discovered how wrong I was... I didn't need another human being to cook with me, to shower with me, to sing or clean with me. I didn't need anyone to lay with me or sit and keep me company. I had me. I just had to find her again... Now let me remind you this is all pretty new, but finding myself and reminding myself of who I am and what I want has been such a breath of fresh air. I do want to enjoy all those moment with someone. To laugh and be happy and be lazy and stress free with another human being would just be amazing. But until then, I've got me. And that is okay.