Day by Day
"What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then. Even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn't mean we can fix it. You can't heal every wound. And that's okay. I have to believe that's okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it can not be fixed, it doesn't mean it's broken."
Day by day. I remember being told that about 10 months ago. A moment where I was anxious and excited and wanting to know all of the answers. A moment that was built with a ton of curiosity and passion. A moment full of hope and happiness. Nights like tonight take me back to that moment. That moment sitting in a training room just trying to get through that last week before I could start the job that I had worked so damn hard to get. I almost remember it like it was yesterday. Walking into a room on week two with all these expectations. And then there it was. This burst of energy. This moment of simple and pure connection. I honestly cant put into words the emotions that I held that first day. But I can tell you that I had never been more excited to go to training. Not because of the job itself, but that connection.
Have you ever been searching for something for so long and then when you finally find it it's like... a breath of fresh air? That's what this was. That's what this is. That week occurred almost 10 months ago. To look back and reflect on these past 10 months is almost breath taking. The disappointment, the hurt, but the happiness and laughter and love. I honestly don't even think one out weighs the other. And that's where I'm stuck. Hit after hit, blow after blow and I get back up and tackle my life 'day by day'. For what? Money? Yeah sure. Haze? (My dog), of course! To pay my bills? Obviously! But it just feels like so much more deep down inside.
Why do we allow ourselves to carry such heavy weight knowing we don't deserve it? Why do we put everyone before ourselves when we only have ourselves in the end? Why do we strive for such perfection in a world that's jaded and flawed? I'll tell you why I do. I carry heavy weight because I'd rather it sit on my shoulders when I know I can handle it versus on someone else's that may not be able to. I put everyone else before me because they deserve it. Because our world is so full of selfish and self centered individuals, that selfless acts of kindness may just be what we all need. I strive for perfection because I know it exsists. My perfection isn't flawless and it isn't all sparkly, shiny and pretty... it's a mess. It's dirty and angry. It's ugly and truthful. It's flawed and jaded. But it's worth it. My type of perfection is a ball full of mistakes made and lessons learned. It's perfect.
So why do I get stuck on understanding why I stay and stick around even though sometimes it hurts like hell? Because not everything is meant to be fixed. Not everything is meant to come unstuck. And most importantly this connection, this eye to eye, mind to mind, body to body connection, is worth it all.