Today.
Today I woke up struggling. It had been a long night of tossing and turning and dreams that I just couldn't put my finger on and analyze. Thoughts racing back and forth of me trying to figure out how I got here. Thoughts about life, love, happiness. I had maybe fallen asleep for an hour before I woke up because my phone was going off. I always tell myself that I will put it on silent before I go to bed, but then I can't stomach the fact that if someone needs me and I'm not awake to answer I won't be able to help. Responded to a text at midnight, then passed out almost immediately afterwards. Alarm was set for 4:30am so that I could go to crossfit. Between 12:30am and 4:30am my mind went from 0-100 and then back again. Woke up late for crossfit which had me feeling very disappointed all morning.
I went to work trying my hardest to remain positive. Trying to find what little left I had in me to push through the day. I got in my car, turned the music on, and I lost it. I completely broke down. Because for the first time in a long time, my head won. My racing thoughts, and tossed around night, won. I felt defeated, I felt disappointed, I felt annoyed. Drove to work in silence this morning. Trying to gather my thoughts before I walked into my clients homes and tried to fix their problems. I tried to put out my own fires before I even attempted to touch theirs.
You see, life is funny. God will never give you something that you cant handle. But boy, does some of the stuff on my shoulders feel unbearable. I have never been so unsure of myself in my life. My days come and go. Between my own struggles and the struggles of my clients, I feel almost lost coming home. I don't know what to do with quiet, calm, "spare time". This morning, my quite, calm, drive to work was clouded. It was full of conversations and emotions from the night before. It was clouded with doubt and pain.
I went to crossfit after work today. Some days I go in the morning, some I go at night. Like I had said earlier, I missed this morning. But there was no way I could just not go for the day. It took a little motivation from a close friend of mine, but I went. Today's WOD was different. Working out today felt different. For the first time, I did it for me. For the first time I let go of every single thing I had in my mind and just focused on me. Throughout the workout telling myself "explode ash", "get your body above this bar", "don't give up". Today, I did the best I've ever done and felt the best I've ever felt. The strength that came from the motivation and support from everyone at that gym including myself, was breathtaking.
Today was different. Today I decided not to struggle, even though that'
s how the day started. Today I decided to change my day. Today I decided not to let someone else control my emotions. Today I realized that the expectations I had for other people, I didn't need from them. Today I realized, the only expectation I should have is for myself to be better, to do better, and to accomplish my goals. I am what matters. I don't need someone else to tell me that. Never forget who you are. Never forget that you are important. And never forget that you always have yourself. You can never control nor change others, but you can control and change yourself.
Tomorrow, no matter how you wake up, decide that it is going to be a good day. Decide that you will do your best and tackle the day head on. Because you are in control of your day. Make it a great one!